One Cigarette In The Garage And A Trip To The ER

WEBVTT

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Welcome to my weekly panic Attack.
I'm your host, Remmy Brooks. I've

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been a licensed psychotherapist for over twenty
years and run a thriving private practice.

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I'm also diagnosed bipolar an OCD.
Often the two do not mix well,

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which tends to throw my life into
complete chaos. So as I do some

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spiraling, my best friend Liz Win
will do her best to ground me a

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bit. During this podcast, we'll
be talking about the horror and the humor

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of the anxieties of daily life,
the things we do that are embarrassing,

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funny, but yet very human.
Let's get started, and there's no better

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way to get started than by beginning
this episode and all episodes with my friend

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and co host, the beautiful,
intelligent, and ever rational Liz Win.

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Here's a well adjusted moment from Liz's
life. You're not going to like this,

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but I've started thinking of taking my
dream vacation. Your dream vacation,

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Thailand. You're thinking about going to
Thailand? I am. It's been on

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my bucket list as long as I
can remember. No, Liz, you

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also saw broken down Palace. You'll
be the one who gets arrested, and

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because you don't speak the language,
you'll be found guilty. You'll be put

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in prison for the rest of your
life, where roaches will crawl into your

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ears and lay baby eggs. No, I don't really think that's how it's

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going to happen. I'm quite confident
I can travel without getting arrested. Okay,

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Liz, So when you get life
without prison, I expect a for

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me that reads I told you so. Do you mean like any good friend

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would do? Exactly? And this
has been a well adjusted moment from Liz's

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life. Well, I'm actually stressed
because today we're talking about how one can

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participate in a conversation and yet somehow
takeaway absolutely none of the information that was

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trying to be construed, in fact, actually leaving the conversation with completely different

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information that was ended. Guess what
time it is, Liz, What time

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is it? It's time for me
to tell you what the hell I'm stressed

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out about. Now. My yearly
physical is coming up more. I'm really

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not exactly sure how to play one. It's funny because as depressed as I

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have always been throughout my entire life, I don't want to die, right,

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And because I don't want to die, that kind of makes me an

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excellent patient. I would do anything
not to die. Okay, okay,

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I mean, hold on, let
let's be truthful here. Let me clarify.

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I would do anything other than stop
smoking, eating or exercising. So

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I would do absolutely anything other than
that, you know, other than like,

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you know, actually taking care of
my body. The trifecta. There's

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good eating and the exercising, but
like anything else, well, it's not

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usually a negotiation with the doctor.
Well that's why I'm kind of like a

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little nervous. I already got one
kid successfully to adulthood, but I still

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have one more to go. And
if I died, my little one would

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end up with his father in New
England. My Jewish boy would end up

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saying things like wicked this and Wicked
that, or I gotta pack the co

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and I'm sorry that just can't happen. So again, whatever I need to

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do to keep myself alive for a
minimum of at least seven years, I'm

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going to do. Okay, So
on my part, I feel like like

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there's a my part thing and like
a doctor's part thing. So on my

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part, I see all of my
regular doctor's routine routinely. I get my

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promogram every year. I see my
gynecologist every year, who, by the

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way, I love to pieces.
I don't mean to brag, but I

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have the greatest going to call on
the face of the earth. I see

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my dermatologist every year, I see
God, God, God Poor. My

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psychiatrists every single month, and my
therapist every week. And I see my

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primary care physician once a year every
year for a full work up, a

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full physical. Right, that's the
appointment that I dread. That's the appointment

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that scares me. Yeah, that's
the one. Now. Thankfully, everything

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to date has always turned out just
fine. Prior to seeing my physician,

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I always get my blood work done, like the whole panel of blood work.

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Surprisingly, my blood work comes back
stellar. What I mean stellar,

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Liz perfection. My blood work states
that I am the epitome of great health.

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That's so awesome. Seven years I
seven years. That's that's all I

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have to do. Seven more years
of this. I can only assume that

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doing no exercise in one's life is
actually a very healthy life choice. I'm

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just saying that's what my blood work
shows. And the fact that I haven't

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eaten a vegetable since the seventies,
I'm guessing is a healthy thing for my

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system. I may actually go as
far as to say that my diet of

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coffee, diet, coke, and
cigarettes maybe what's keeping me alive and well,

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and perhaps the handful of vitamin supplement
that I eat for breakfast and dinner.

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Do you and George Burns, I'm
not really sure that that's the AMA

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recommendation again the epitome of health.
So a couple of years ago. And

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you know that I'm not good with
time, So a couple of years ago.

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I don't know if that's two years
ago. I don't know if that's

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four years ago. For me,
it's it's a couple of years ago.

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I was talking with my PCP and
he was concerned at that time about my

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BMI because it was getting too and
he firmly suggested that I increase calories and

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to appease him. Yes, okay, sure, And in my head I'm

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thinking, like when is too thin
a bad thing? Because in my book

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the answer is never. So next
year it's my physical right and my doctor

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discussed my weight again because now I'm
below my BMI and he was concerned.

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However, I am not the least
bit concerned. But he goes on and

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on and on, and I was
so over it. So what does one

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do when they're so over it?
You checked out? I checked out,

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and he was going on and so
I deflected. I needed a diversion,

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and I needed a diversion fast,
only, much to my surprise, because

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I didn't have time to pair a
diversion. The diversion that popped out of

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my mouth went something like this,
Liz, I think I'm ready to quit

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smoking. Can you write me a
prescription? Per chance? X? Oh

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good? What the fuck? I
didn't want to quit smoking. I don't

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know why that came out. I
assure you, Liz, I did not

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want to quit smoking. This was
false. It was a lie. Why

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Why is that what came out?
And you know, the diversion worked,

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Yeah, it worked, It did
its job. He was very excited to

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move on to this new topic.
He very quickly wrote me the prescription and

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then the physical ended. I of
course left exhausted. I mean that's fair,

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that's exhausting. I got back into
my car. I was not at

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all sure where that idea to quick
smoking come came from. I had no

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idea it for me, it came
from nowhere. I mean, clearly,

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it came from somewhere, but I
couldn't figure out from where. And as

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a matter of fact, I had
like just bought a cart and a cigarettes

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the day before, so really stopping
no intention of stopping. Now. I

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have tried to stop to stop smoking
many times in the past. Yeah,

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and in all truth, chantics really
was the only thing that worked for me.

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But that kind of was not the
point, because at that moment I

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did not want to quit smoking.
So when I went to pick up my

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meds when they were ready, I
had like a decision to make do I

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pick up the chantics or do I
leave it a pharmacy, And for some

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reason I picked it up. Okay, I was I actually going to quit?

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Like this was a such a spur
of the moment thing. I don't

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even understand, you know what.
Let me light up a cigarette real quick

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and I'll finish telling you the story. I'm getting telling how the story went.

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I total you, Okay. So
I spent some time thinking about whether

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I wanted to take the chant tacks
and quit or not take it and continue.

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And I thought this through while I
smoked my way throughout this carton until

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I was left with two packs.
Because you're actually supposed to smoke while you

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take chant really so yeah, yeah, So for some reason, I don't

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know why, maybe because my father
died of lung cancer. I had decided

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in that moment that I was going
to take chance X, and within less

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than two weeks, I was a
non smoker again. And I didn't mention

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anything to my kids because I thought
at any moment I could pick up a

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cigarette again, and I didn't want
to disappoint them, but they noticed it

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on their own and they were proud
of me. And as a parent,

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to have your kids proud of you
like no better feeling. As months went

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by, I began gaining week and
in my head, if I gained twenty

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pounds, then I can gain two
hundred pounds. So this became a major

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mind fuck. Fast forward, It's
time for my next visible. The consultation

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lasts for like a solid forty five
minute period of time in which my doctor

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is extremely thorough. We talk about
many, many, many things, and

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he was thrilled that I was smoke
free. Yeah it happy, Yeah,

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it was, it was stilled.
It was lovely, it was a terrific.

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And he also mentioned that I was
back to a normal BMI and I

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did not take that as praise of
any kind. Right, We're going to

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take a quick break and we'll be
right back. It is noteworthy to mention

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that those two comments were at completely
different times during our forty five minutes together.

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However, I was able to put
together what he really meant to say,

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which was, Hey, that is
keep on the same path, and

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by this time next year, you'll
be waddling into my office. You may

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not even be able to fit on
my table. If I were you,

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i'd smart, I would start smoking
again and get your weight back under control,

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because you are clearly out of control. I'm not really sure that was

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what was going through his mind.
Well, I wouldn't put my hand on

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the Bible and swear in front of
a judge in a court of law that

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that's what he meant. But I'm
pretty sure that's exactly what he meant.

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And I am nothing if not a
good patient. So upon leaving my doctor's

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office and taking medical advice, which
I received if only in my head,

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I drove directly to Blahwa and bought
a carton of cigarettes because that was the

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same as him saying, go get
the chantex okay, yes, which backfired

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Yeah. The only tricky thing was
is that I didn't want to disappoint my

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kids, but I wanted to follow
medical advice, the medical advice that I

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clearly heard in my head right because
I'm a really good patient. So I

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devised what I thought was a grand
plan of epic deception. I got a

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huge zip lock bag which consisted of
a windbreaker, yellow dishwash, gloves,

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a hat, a pack of cigarettes, two lighters, a pack of gumb

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and a bottle of lotion. And
I began to go out for long walks.

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Look at that exercise exercise. Wow, you're incorporating it, say again,

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a good patient. Nothing if not
a good patient. Once I got

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exactly two blocks away from my house, I put on the hat, the

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windbreaker, I lit up a cigarette, put on the gloves, definitely looked

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like a crazy person dressed for Halloween, but couldn't give a fucking shit.

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Smoked numerous cigarettes, and when I
was done, chooed some gum, put

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all my gear back into the zip
block bag, and then smothered myself with

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lotion from my hair to my face, my hands, my arms, my

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clothes, any skin that was even
somewhat noticeable and could possibly have been infected

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by cigarette milk. You really worked
hard on this, man. I my

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kids weren't on the wiser and clearly
I was the winner of this game.

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Yes, I worked hard on this, and I felt like a fucking genius.

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Right. You have to admit it
was really quick. I mean it's

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very smart. But you're really working
hard at not doing something. I do

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that. I do that, but
I do it well. I do.

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You do it very well. Thank
you, Liz. Thank you. It

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is one of the things about you
that you do very well, working hard

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at not doing certain Thank you,
Liz, Thank you. I don't appreciate

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that the reassurance. Thanks So one
night it was I wanted my nighttime cigarette,

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but it was pouring outside and it
was cold and it was nasty,

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and it was my last cigarette of
the night and I had just taken my

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sleeping pill. I had a solid
forty five minutes before that pill was to

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set in. And it was like
one o'clock in the morning, and both

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of my kids were sound asleep.
And if I had just one cigarette in

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the garage while both of my kids
were sound asleep, seriously, what were

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the chances of me getting caught?
And I figured highly, highly doubtful,

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none at all, absolutely one at
all. That's exactly what I thought.

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So I'm in the garage and this
is like not even five minutes after I've

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taken the sleeping pill, so I
have a solid forty minutes left. I

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light up the cigarette. I don't
know what happened, because after my very

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first inhale, my entire world went
dark, and I knew I was about

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to think and there was absolutely knowing
I could do about it. I tried

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so hard to get to the ashtray
that was right much to me to put

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my cigarette out, but I didn't
make it, and I felt back.

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I felt backwards, simultaneously landing on
both my tailbone and the back of my

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head. Oh God, my concrete
garage was for Jesus. And both of

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my legs must have kicked in my
garage door with so much force that the

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door banged into the house so loudly
that it woke up my youngest son,

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who came running downstairs to find me
unconscious on the floor. Yeah, and

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he's screaming for me to wake up, and at some point I did,

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and when I did, I managed
to turn my head to the right.

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You have to cigarette in and see
that I still was holding the lit cigarette.

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And the first but that I had
was, oh, fuck, I've

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been caught. Not that you just
passed out for like an unknown reason,

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killed your your butt bone and then
like almost smacked your or smacked your head.

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It's like into the concrete. You're
worried about the cigarette. He cut

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me with a lit cigarette. Fuck, I've been got so I somehow find

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words. I don't know. My
entire body was in so much pain.

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My head was spinning, and I'm
like ashtray, ashtray, that's maybe ashtray.

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And I'm able to put the burning
cigarette out. I mean, thank

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god, thank god he was Thank
god I didn't burn the fucking house down.

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He was too light to be able
to pull me up. Like something

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was really wrong. I feel like
I hope myself Liz. Yeah, I

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have no idea how I got myself
up. I have no idea how I

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crawled up the steps. This happened
during the height the peak of COVID.

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The last place in the world I
wanted to be was the er. But

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the next morning, when I was
like so out of it, I made

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my oldest drive me to the AR. I thought, what well, so

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I'm surprised you didn't have a concussion. Well, okay, so they ruled

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out a brain bleed. My god, they ruled out a fractured tailbone.

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But I had a major concussion that
lasted a really, really long time and

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I in so much pain I couldn't
even watch TV. And for me to

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not be able to watch TV,
I mean, it's like serious to horror,

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serious horror, Oh my god.
So you know I'm big on signs,

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getting signs, trying to interpret signs
that I received, and I knew

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that this was a sign, and
I figured it was one out of a

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possible two, like one I should
quit smoking for real, right, or

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two lying to my kids and sneaking
around really not a good idea, to

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be honest. So I decided that
this sign was about lying to my kids

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and sneaking around hadn't absolutely nothing to
do with quitting smoking. So I just

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simply informed them that I am now
once again a smoker, and I don't

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want to hear any lectures about it. This is not for debate, and

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stop it, stop it, stop
it. So now it's not just my

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kids. I think. The last
physical I had was a telehealth to like

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bypass the whole smoking. Yeah I'm
still on smoker, and bypass the BMI

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think, oh yeah, right,
I gain weight. Everything's fine. It's

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not just the kids that I have
to worry about disappointing. My yearly physical

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is quickly approaching, and I am
like in serious debate. Do I admit

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to smoking again? Do I lie? And there's no way around the whole

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BMI thing. I am definitely going
to be lectured about my weight. Do

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I really want to be lectured about
two things? Well? Yeah, This

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is kind of like when people go
to the dentists and they just i'd like,

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you know, to floss two days
before and then going from Dennis and

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saying they've done it all year,
and I just never lie and go no,

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I don't do it because they know
the difference. He's gonna know,

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so you're just going to have to
take your licks and go in there and

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do it. I don't know because
if I without that hand, he's good

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blockdag again with the windbreaker and the
lotion and the gum. I mean I

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pulled that stunt off for quite a
while. If I do that again prior

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to my physical, maybe he I
won't smell like smoke. Maybe he won't

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know that I'm smoking. Maybe I
could just lie about it. Although if

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I lie about it and it's obvious
that I'm lying about it, then I'm

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going to get in trouble. Well, maybe I can tell the doctor that

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you understand the good and bad of
everything he's saying, but you don't need

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it repeated, and you don't need
a forty five minute tone wagging, finger

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wagging. Oh, I am stressing
about this appointment and I don't know.

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I don't know. So yeah,
I have the kind of feeling and I'm

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currently hating it. So that's what's
going on with me right now. I

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do have an update, a Lucy
update. Okay, let's hear the Lucy

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update. Why is she destroyed recently? Well, last you heard, I

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was fostering a dog from my dog
though Lucy needed much more stimulation than I

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could give her, so I fostered
a dog named Red, who had his

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own theme song. Yes, well, I am happy to report that since

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our last discussion, I adopted read
so gratulation. Thank you. Lucy now

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has all the stimulation she could possibly
handle, and oh so much more.

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They play hard and he doesn't let
up. Lucy is exhausted every moment of

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her day and looks at me like, why, why, why have you

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done this? Read has taught Lucy
that not everyone who enters my house trying

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to murder me, so that she
like back off on the barking, So

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that has made a huge positive difference
in this household. However, he stably

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taught her that while there's nothing to
really bark about in the house, everything

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outside of the house should be barked
at, which includes people, other dogs,

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squirrel rocks, clouds, even air. So I would say that in

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that area we have regressed. I
initially been hoping that I would be able

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to replace throw pillows and blankets and
make my house look more like my home

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again. Instead, they have quite
literally torn up my sofa cushions, so

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my house right now kind of looks
like utter trash. And it's not like

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I can go out and buy a
new sofa because they the exact same thing

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to a new sofa, and then
I'd have to kill them, which would

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be a really sad ending to this
story, So I don't want to do

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that. Another kind of problem is
that Red never did stairs before in his

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entire life, so and I have
an open stairway with these like beautiful yet

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very slippery dat stairs. He somewhat
learned the stairs. He can get up,

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but about seventy percent of the time
he slides down the staircase in a

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horrible, terrible, very noisemaking,
frightening way, and I figure it's really

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just a matter of time before he
breaks his legs. I have to take

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him to the emergency room. It's
a five thousand dollars surgery, and I'm

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charged with animal cruelty, so I'm
like waiting for that to happen. Not

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a great feeling, however, All
in all, Lucy is happy. Lucy's

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happy. Read now has a home. He is so happy to have a

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home. I am saying this before
he has broken any of his legs.

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And the idea of getting a dog
for my dog, I think was actually

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a good one. So that is
my Lucy update. Oh good to hear

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that Lucy's happy. And just be
careful walking down the steps with two dogs

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who are shooting down someone at the
bottom of the steps with broken legs,

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no joke. That is my new
fear of death. And I hang onto

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the railing for dear life, because
truly I have like seen it. I

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have seen myself being thrown down the
steps by the dogs. So that is

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truly how I fear I'm going to
die. But again, I need seven

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year old seven years there's a countdown
quicker. Thanks for listening, Bye bye.

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You can reach us at Voyage Media
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00:31:15.319 --> 00:31:22.559
Facebook. And you can reach out
directly to me at Panicked Remy on Twitter,

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00:31:22.240 --> 00:31:25.000
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