June 18, 2025

As Sick As Our Secrets

As Sick As Our Secrets
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Season 2

Dr. Steven Farber was a respected cardiologist, on the outside looking in, a success by any measure. But he had a secret - he was a drug addict. And that secret would grow, from casual drug use to blacking out at work, to an untimely death - until it consumed his life, and nearly cost him everything.

Based on Dr. Steven Farber’s novel, As Sick As Our Secrets, available on Amazon: ⁠https://www.amazon.com/As-Sick-as-Our-Secrets-ebook/dp/B07Z8G62HF?ref_=ast_author_mpb⁠

The national mental health hotline is available 24/7, just by dialing 988 from your phone. And for health care workers suffering from burnout, or just in need of mental health support, the Lorna Breen Heroes’ Foundation is a great resource. You can find more information at this link: https://drlornabreen.org/

Allegedly is a production of Voyage Media. The series is produced by Nat Mundel, Robert Mitas, and Dan Benamor. This episode is based on Steve’s book, As Sick As Our Secrets, which is available on Amazon, at the link above. Executive produced by Dr. Steve Farber. Directed and story produced by Ilyssa Goodman. Written and directed by Dan Benamor. Edited, sounded designed, and mixed by James Scully. Original music by Derlis Gonzalez. Starring Jonathan Regier as Steve and Veronica Warner as Tara. If you’re enjoying the show, please leave us a 5 star review on Apple Podcasts, or anywhere you’re listening, and subscribe now for future episodes.

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My name is doctor Steve Farber. I was a respected

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and accomplished doctor. I was also a drug addict. I

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was trying to live in two separate, incompatible world and

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these two worlds would crash into each other when a

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woman I cared deeply for got in my bed.

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This is Steve. He went from a life that on

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the outside most people would envy, to a descent into

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drug addiction that took everything from him before he could

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find a way out. This is his story.

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The first time I'd used an illegal substance was the

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day of my sister's wedding, and it was a day

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that with a big turning point in my life. And

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it was a day that I would say had ripple

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effects through my entire life. To just give a little

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bit of background, I lived a very straight life for most.

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Of my upbringing. I led a very narrow, restricted life.

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Basically, I was a nerd and I never used drugs,

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never drank alcohol. And today, my sister's wedding, I visited

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a friend of mine who spiked cookies with marijuana, and

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I wound up eating a couple of these cookies and

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started liscinating. It was a day that essentially ruined my

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sister's wedding. I was one of the ushers in the

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wedding and I went to the hospital. People all thought

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that I was incredibly ill and were holding the wedding

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up from me till I got there, and then found

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out that I'd.

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Used drugs that day.

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The shame of that day, people thinking that I was

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a drug addict led to incredible shame, and it was

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something that I have not lived down for most of

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my life. I thank it my sister didn't forgive me

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for many many years. I think that filled me with

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a lot of shame and feelings remorse. And if there

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was anything that I could do over my life, there's

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one day I could do, it would be that day.

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But I think that day really kind of foretold what

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I was apability to become. Before that, I'd never even

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drank alcohol, never used any drugs, and no intention of

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using drugs. I was brought up in a very strict family,

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very conservative family, and the thought of using drugs was

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not even something that I even thought about. All I

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did was study. I've had very little social life, never

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drink in college. This was in my twenties day my

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sister's wedding. I was in my twenties, and is this

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one of those things that I think, compounded upon other

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things that had happened early in my life, led to

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feeling really bad about myself, feelings of low selfware, of

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low self esteem, and you know, I think that led

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to other problems later in my life.

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Well, I mean, I think I was really source of ridicule.

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You know that day from my own family felt turned

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on by some of my family because they felt that

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I had done this intentionally, and it almost was like

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a self filling prophecy.

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What was going to happen later?

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I think for me in my life, I think from

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that day on almost I think that I was an

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addict at that point.

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When Steve would exhibit addict behavior in medical school, he

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was able to get a handle on it. Steve's ability

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to be high functioning despite addiction would be a hallmark

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of his life.

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Well, I was going to medical school and really had

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one problem actually in medical school.

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In my third year of school, I started drinking fairly heavily.

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I met a friend who loved Scotch and we used

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to go out and drink after during our training. That

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was my introduction to alcohol. But at that point it

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was relatively controlled. When I was in medical school, I

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never drained to the point of interfering with my ability

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to function.

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Steve lost five friends to suicide during his residency training.

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He would often work thirty six hours straight but no sleep.

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The residency training was like a hazing process to weed

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out those not strong enough. Not just for Steve, but

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for any doctors. This sort of working pattern leads to exhaustion,

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chronic fatigue, depression, and medical errors. Addiction is not uncommon

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in the medical field, and Steve's story certainly is not

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unique amongst doctors with this as a potential contributing cost.

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It really wasn't until I was in my residency training.

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I think was my second year of training in my

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residency program where I started drinking to the point of

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not being able to function, not being able to wake

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up in the morning to make my rounds and really

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adequately take care of my patients.

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And there was noticed by my peers and.

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By the people who supervised me, and I was called

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into the office of the chairman of the department in medicine,

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and he had a long discussion with.

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Me and wanted me to take time off.

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I guess at that point he didn't recommend that I

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go to it treatment, just recommended that I go home

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and take care of myself, get some rest, and come

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back to work. So that clearly that was never something

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that was reported. I was never to any time of counseling.

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I think he just recommended I take time off, and

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then later I came back and I was able to function.

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I really wish that it was not as lean as

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I wish.

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He had taken more action to try to get me

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into a program to help. And I'm not sure if

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that was the one where I would have accepted it

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and that time in my life, but I think at

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this stage the end of this had happened, I think

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there would be stricter rules about it.

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There's more addiction.

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In the medical profession, I think than people know about it,

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and I think there had been more and it would

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have been stricter consequences now if it had happened and

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I was actually able to function and I've made the

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time off help because it's burned out. And I think

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at that time I attributed my drinking to just overwork,

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and I think there were personal problems.

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That I had from earlier in my life.

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There was emotional problems I had that never were addressed,

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and I think that led to a lot of my drinking,

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but it essentially calmed down for a period of time

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where I didn't drink accessively. After that, one day, a

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drug representative king to my office. We routinely had drug

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company reps come in to tell us about their latest

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and greatest drugs, and he told me about this medication

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caused ANNEXED, which was built in a new medication at

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that time as the new NZO days upon related drug

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that is east B anxiety. And he left about one

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hundred pills in my office. And at that time there

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was really no accounting for these. Nowadays, these things this

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can't be left these thought bottles can't just be left

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in offices like that. But back in the eighties that

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was pretty commonplace. And he described it as being non addictive.

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That's the first NZO that came out. I was not addictive.

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I was feeling a lot of anxiety in my life

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and depression actually both. It was starting to build up

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more and more the harder at work, and I decided,

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you know, I'm gonna try this. Xanx was a very

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good drug from the standpoint of anxiety. It made me

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feel even less depressed. It work, but I soon found

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out over time that the effects the drug were not

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what they're advertised to be. From the standpoint of being

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non addicting, I found I had to increase the dose

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more and more. They developed a tolerance to the medications.

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Where one pill wasn't enough. Two pills, you know, weren't enough.

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Half a milligrant is not enough. I had to go

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up to two or three. This drug is mel street drug,

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I mean x They're called bars and these are sold

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them the street. Twenty years later, but at that time

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I pretty much I decided to sample and self medicate,

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and over time I've came more and more to pend

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and started interfering with my ability to function. Boats are

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working at home, and a feared of my ability to

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even take care of my kids because I was always

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spaced out on Xanax to where I miss things.

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I would be careless about things.

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Xenex definitely had an effect, and it's not a drug

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you can stop abruptly. When you're taking events a days

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of pine if any kind, you have to taper off

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the drug. And it took me about six months and

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going through divorce to do that. If I didn't come

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off the drug, I was not gonna be able to

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see my kids after my divorce. So I took a

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divorce actually for me to get off because I was

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one of the things that went to my other boors.

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So I tapered off the drugs so I could see

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my kids.

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Took about six months to meet to go off the churn.

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Again and again, Steve would develop an addiction and find

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a way to either get off it or work through it.

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I could work my way out of any situation. You

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know that I could.

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Function through anything, and there is no scenario I couldn't beat. Essentially,

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there was no win scenario, and I kind of vasion

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myself as a Kathin Kirk of medicine in the sense

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I couldn't lose. I mean I would be able to

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work my way out of any situation that presented itself,

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like length, while I was in a corner, boxed into

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a corner, I'd be able to buy my way out.

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Steve often thought of Captain Kirk and the Kobayashi Maru.

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It's a no win scenario, and Captain Kirk figured out

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a way to beat the no win scenario altering the rules.

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Of the test.

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Steve was confident not only could he be a functioning addict,

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but he could thrive in any situation while using drugs.

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He described himself at that time in his life as

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an addict who was an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.

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I think I went a number of years without using

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any types of drugs and really the suffering from depression anxiety,

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which remounting over the course of time, I was burning

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the candle both fans of my life, working fourteeny sixty

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hour days over the course of many, many years, a

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lot of things happened in my practice. I had a

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partner that brought in named Charlie Brown, who was.

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Also very hard worker.

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He was basically also burned the candle with both fans,

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and he passed away. He died in my office while

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I was seeing patients. He was a person who would

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always take care of other people before you take care

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of himself. I'd see him in the hallway and he

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was an asthmatic, and he was constantly usist and healed

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all the time in the halloway while he was seeing patients,

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and I said to him, look, Charlie you got to

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go see a doctor. You know, you have to go

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get your asthma TA in care of. But he never

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took the time to do that. He was always working,

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and then he had two small children at home, so

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you go home to his family and then come back

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to work and visit. The cycle repeated salt every day.

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One day, we're seeing patients in the office, found him

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on the floor in the bathroom. We couldn't find him,

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an issue, and you know, where's Charlie. We're both seeing

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patients and he just disappeared. And I found him on

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the floor of the bathroom and tried to assuscitate him

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for about two hours and DCPR my.

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Own partner, couldn't bring back. He was too park gone

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and I had to be the ones to go tell

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his wife that he passed away. Then two small children.

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That was devastating to me.

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Losing my partner like that, I think was just something

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that I never really recovered.

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I'm just not being able to bring him back.

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And it really should have taught me less and that

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about bringing the came with both bands, but it really didn't.

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So I think I worked even harder after that.

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Ironically, being a doctor seemed like a good fit for

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Steve's addictions.

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Medicine is a perfect profession for an attic, being a

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workaholics and addiction in and of itself, it's a perfect career.

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There were some people who were addicted to things and

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one who escaped their personal problems. Because you think, the

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harder you work, the more you awarded by your patients

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and peers.

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You know.

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I think it's really I think a profession with there

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a lot of people with a lot of psychiatric problems

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or psychological promises. Put that way, who can work so

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00:12:18.399 --> 00:12:20.480
hard that they don't have to think about their issues.

235
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And I think between Charlie's death and just the depression,

236
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I was suffering anxiety that things just mounted over time

237
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and I got involved in a bitious cycle of anxiety

238
00:12:32.600 --> 00:12:35.639
and depression. I saw a lot of death in my practice,

239
00:12:35.679 --> 00:12:39.039
that's part of being a cardiologist. And I lost patients

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00:12:39.039 --> 00:12:41.639
in the cath lab that were devastating to me. Just

241
00:12:41.840 --> 00:12:45.919
losing the patients devastating. I expected a lot from myself.

242
00:12:46.799 --> 00:12:50.320
I expected that none of my patients would die. For example,

243
00:12:50.399 --> 00:12:52.840
I expected that I'd be able to save everybody, and

244
00:12:53.559 --> 00:12:57.080
that this wasn't reality. I just couldn't do that that

245
00:12:57.200 --> 00:13:00.559
was really not in my hands. But I took death personally.

246
00:13:01.080 --> 00:13:03.919
Patient of mine dat I to them personally and felt

247
00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:07.879
that I was a failure when my patients passed, and

248
00:13:08.320 --> 00:13:12.759
I beat myself up over negative things that would happen,

249
00:13:13.759 --> 00:13:16.440
and I think over time, I just got desperate one

250
00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:21.039
one desperate to get out of a cycle of depression anxiety,

251
00:13:21.960 --> 00:13:24.639
and a friend of mine recommended that I go to

252
00:13:24.679 --> 00:13:29.360
a place called the Wildfire Retreat, which was a massage parlor.

253
00:13:29.519 --> 00:13:39.360
Essentially, this visit would change the course of Steve's life.

254
00:13:39.399 --> 00:13:43.679
The exterior of the building looked distressed and uninviting, more

255
00:13:43.840 --> 00:13:46.440
like an old, boarded up shack and a place in

256
00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:50.200
which one would supposedly relax and be pampered. Its run

257
00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:53.080
down facade was broken by a few darkened windows, which,

258
00:13:53.159 --> 00:13:57.039
to my amped up imagination, gave it a somewhat intriguing appearance.

259
00:13:57.960 --> 00:14:02.039
What lay behind those pains of dirty I hesitated a

260
00:14:02.080 --> 00:14:06.080
moment to draw one last deep breath before opening the

261
00:14:06.120 --> 00:14:10.919
door and stepping into a dimly lit room. The first

262
00:14:10.919 --> 00:14:13.240
thing my eyes focused on were a candle and an

263
00:14:13.279 --> 00:14:16.720
incense burner on the counter. Next they saw an attractive

264
00:14:16.840 --> 00:14:20.600
blond woman wearing a sea through nick jet As I

265
00:14:20.600 --> 00:14:23.759
stood frozen with my jaw no doubt hanging ajar. The

266
00:14:23.799 --> 00:14:27.039
woman came to the counter and asked quite professionally whether

267
00:14:27.080 --> 00:14:30.440
I had made an appointment. Red faced from embarrassment, I

268
00:14:30.559 --> 00:14:33.080
told her that I hadn't arranged anything and wondered if

269
00:14:33.080 --> 00:14:33.919
I could be worked in.

270
00:14:34.799 --> 00:14:35.360
Work me in?

271
00:14:36.159 --> 00:14:38.840
What was I doing? I felt like I was at

272
00:14:38.840 --> 00:14:42.440
the barber shop or a dentist office. The hostess left

273
00:14:42.440 --> 00:14:45.080
for a few moments. My eyes darted to the door,

274
00:14:45.240 --> 00:14:48.159
but truth be told, I really didn't want to leave,

275
00:14:49.039 --> 00:14:51.360
and in only a few moments the hostess came back,

276
00:14:51.399 --> 00:14:57.559
accompanied by an available massuse. She appeared to be in

277
00:14:57.600 --> 00:15:00.559
her late twenties or early thirties, with bread hair and

278
00:15:00.600 --> 00:15:03.440
a confident look in her eyes. Her voice was soft

279
00:15:03.480 --> 00:15:07.200
and alluring as she greeted me, and without further ceremony,

280
00:15:07.320 --> 00:15:09.279
she motioned for me to follow her up a flight

281
00:15:09.320 --> 00:15:15.440
of stairs. I've never done this before. I'm Tara.

282
00:15:16.080 --> 00:15:17.360
Go in the first door on the right.

283
00:15:19.440 --> 00:15:22.639
By this time I was sweating profusely and my shirt

284
00:15:22.720 --> 00:15:26.320
was soaking wet. Tara led me into a small, dimly

285
00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:29.679
lit room, sat beside me, and laid down the ground rules,

286
00:15:29.759 --> 00:15:32.759
as if we were about to play baseball. The heavy

287
00:15:32.799 --> 00:15:36.440
smell of her perfume permeated the room. To Tara, this

288
00:15:36.720 --> 00:15:39.639
was a business transaction and she wanted to discuss the

289
00:15:39.679 --> 00:15:42.919
specifics of our agreement. I was on her home turf,

290
00:15:43.080 --> 00:15:45.039
and she made it clear she was the boss.

291
00:15:45.799 --> 00:15:47.320
You need to give me two hundred dollars.

292
00:15:48.320 --> 00:15:50.759
Fumbling to take my wallet out of my trousers, I

293
00:15:50.840 --> 00:15:54.000
counted out the appropriate amount of bills. She reminded me

294
00:15:54.039 --> 00:15:55.799
that there was an ATM in the waiting room if

295
00:15:55.799 --> 00:15:58.519
I needed it. I handed the cash to Tara, feeling

296
00:15:58.559 --> 00:16:00.600
both anticipation and shame.

297
00:16:01.559 --> 00:16:04.159
Relax, let me take care of you.

298
00:16:07.360 --> 00:16:10.360
My mind raced through the pleasurable moments of the encounter,

299
00:16:10.519 --> 00:16:13.200
but those were soon followed by a sense of guilt.

300
00:16:14.639 --> 00:16:17.159
What have I done? I had paid for sex for

301
00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:19.080
the first time in my life and put my health

302
00:16:19.120 --> 00:16:21.320
at risk. Not to mention the fact that what I

303
00:16:21.360 --> 00:16:25.080
did was morally wrong, I agonized, and yet I couldn't

304
00:16:25.080 --> 00:16:29.240
deny to myself that it felt extremely empowering and just

305
00:16:29.519 --> 00:16:32.639
plain good to have done something taboo and gotten away

306
00:16:32.679 --> 00:16:36.320
with it. Before I left that night, Tara and I

307
00:16:36.360 --> 00:16:40.559
agreed to meet again and I irrationally told myself that

308
00:16:40.600 --> 00:16:43.720
another rendezvous wouldn't hurt a soul, especially if we kept

309
00:16:43.720 --> 00:16:47.720
the details of secret. I'll keep things discreet and under control,

310
00:16:47.799 --> 00:16:50.919
I told myself, and nobody will be the wiser. I

311
00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:54.480
didn't recognize how bad my judgment was until much later,

312
00:16:55.039 --> 00:16:57.120
when I realized that giving my phone number to Tara

313
00:16:57.320 --> 00:17:00.679
was literally a fatal mistake that dramatically changed both of

314
00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:01.879
our lives.

315
00:17:04.480 --> 00:17:06.839
I was very lucky because the week after I went

316
00:17:06.880 --> 00:17:09.839
there was rated by the police, and if I'd been

317
00:17:09.839 --> 00:17:11.599
there during that raid, I would have been arrested.

318
00:17:12.720 --> 00:17:14.039
Terror was intriguing to me.

319
00:17:14.720 --> 00:17:18.480
I met her and in a situation is really basically transactional.

320
00:17:19.119 --> 00:17:22.319
It was money for sex, and then it became money

321
00:17:22.319 --> 00:17:27.759
for drugs. Later, after the massage, so to speak, whatever

322
00:17:27.759 --> 00:17:30.759
you'd call it, I got her phone number and we connected.

323
00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:32.720
After that, we both seed it all.

324
00:17:33.319 --> 00:17:36.920
It became more than a sexual type of relationship, a

325
00:17:37.000 --> 00:17:42.240
transactional relationship, and I started seeing her on a regular basis.

326
00:17:46.039 --> 00:17:48.240
Tara called me and asked to see me that night.

327
00:17:48.599 --> 00:17:51.240
With little hesitation, I gave her directions to my home

328
00:17:51.279 --> 00:17:54.079
in an upscale neighborhood in North Houston. We planned a

329
00:17:54.160 --> 00:17:57.359
late night rendezvous so that my neighbors would not become suspicious.

330
00:17:57.960 --> 00:18:01.400
I anxiously waited for her to arrive. Tara was right

331
00:18:01.440 --> 00:18:03.759
on schedule. As soon as I had closed the door

332
00:18:03.799 --> 00:18:06.400
behind her, Tera gave me an embrace, set her purse

333
00:18:06.440 --> 00:18:09.000
down on the kitchen table, and gave me a mischievous

334
00:18:09.000 --> 00:18:11.839
smile that was innocent and sensual. At the same time,

335
00:18:12.960 --> 00:18:15.839
I made her an appletini. She stood up and walked

336
00:18:15.839 --> 00:18:19.480
over to the fireplace, pulling off her boots as she did. Then,

337
00:18:19.640 --> 00:18:22.079
as my heart began to race, she put her hands

338
00:18:22.119 --> 00:18:25.759
above her head playfully swiveled her hips, and she made

339
00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:30.319
her body come with me as confidently as if she

340
00:18:30.440 --> 00:18:33.160
was in her own home. Tara walked into the kitchen.

341
00:18:33.519 --> 00:18:36.240
Then she opened up a plastic baggy of cocaine and

342
00:18:36.319 --> 00:18:37.960
made thin white lines on the counter.

343
00:18:39.839 --> 00:18:41.480
The wildflower got raided.

344
00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:44.920
When two days ago, only a week after I had

345
00:18:44.920 --> 00:18:47.200
been there, Were you there?

346
00:18:48.039 --> 00:18:48.359
Yep?

347
00:18:48.759 --> 00:18:51.039
Did you get arrested? Spent the night in county?

348
00:18:51.720 --> 00:18:53.440
I asked if they would let me keep the handcuffs.

349
00:18:53.759 --> 00:18:54.839
They didn't think that was funny.

350
00:18:56.799 --> 00:18:59.680
My god, I thought, what would have happened if I

351
00:18:59.720 --> 00:19:02.400
had been there? I thanked my lucky stars for this

352
00:19:02.519 --> 00:19:05.359
narrow escape and totally ignored the bright red flag that

353
00:19:05.440 --> 00:19:08.559
was waving in my face as Tara offered me a

354
00:19:08.559 --> 00:19:12.319
line of cocaine. You want some Where'd you get this?

355
00:19:13.319 --> 00:19:16.559
My guy Jack, you'd like him. He's a doctor like you.

356
00:19:16.880 --> 00:19:24.599
A cardiologist, chiropractor. She made me feel like I was

357
00:19:24.640 --> 00:19:26.599
living life in the fast lane rather than in the

358
00:19:26.680 --> 00:19:28.519
rut that had been my home for over a year.

359
00:19:29.039 --> 00:19:32.839
Tara brought excitement into my life. In fact, looking back,

360
00:19:32.920 --> 00:19:35.640
I believe that I became addicted to the adrenaline surge

361
00:19:35.640 --> 00:19:37.920
I felt when I was with her. If I'd been

362
00:19:37.920 --> 00:19:40.720
interested in honest answers at that point, I'd have been

363
00:19:40.759 --> 00:19:43.880
forced to admit that cocaine already had control over my life,

364
00:19:43.920 --> 00:19:46.880
and there was no logic in anything I did. I

365
00:19:46.960 --> 00:19:49.640
was powerless over the tiny pieces of white powder I

366
00:19:49.680 --> 00:19:52.039
snorted up my nostrils with a rolled up dollar bill,

367
00:19:52.599 --> 00:19:55.960
and I wasn't interested in stopping in spite of uncomfortable

368
00:19:55.960 --> 00:20:00.960
side effects of shakiness, anxiety, and insomnia. Instead, I sped

369
00:20:01.000 --> 00:20:02.279
down the road even faster.

370
00:20:03.599 --> 00:20:07.480
Cocaine initially made Steve feel more energetic, more efficient. It

371
00:20:07.519 --> 00:20:10.240
was like taking adderall for a person with ADED. It

372
00:20:10.279 --> 00:20:13.119
made Steve feel like Superman. He could perform his duties

373
00:20:13.160 --> 00:20:16.440
faster and more efficiently, and it improved his depression. He

374
00:20:16.519 --> 00:20:19.000
thought he had it under control, at least at the beginning.

375
00:20:19.920 --> 00:20:22.799
Eventually, cocaine led to other using other things.

376
00:20:22.960 --> 00:20:27.599
Methantheta means crap cocaine and crap contain is.

377
00:20:27.559 --> 00:20:30.200
A really horrible drug to take.

378
00:20:30.240 --> 00:20:33.960
As far as addiction goes, it's even harder than cotain

379
00:20:34.039 --> 00:20:37.279
to be again. One thing led to another, and the

380
00:20:37.319 --> 00:20:39.599
side of decks started to mount over a period of time.

381
00:20:40.119 --> 00:20:42.440
Even though going I could control it, alice out of control,

382
00:20:42.720 --> 00:20:45.119
and I think it was started getting noticed by other people.

383
00:20:46.160 --> 00:20:49.079
I was normally a very even tempered and a way

384
00:20:49.160 --> 00:20:52.400
mild manner person. I was always the one that people

385
00:20:52.359 --> 00:20:54.880
would go to if they're looking for somebody who was

386
00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:55.720
even tempered.

387
00:20:55.759 --> 00:20:59.160
To try to train other people in the cath layout.

388
00:20:59.240 --> 00:21:01.799
They always gained it the new nurses train because I

389
00:21:01.960 --> 00:21:06.119
was very patient. That all changed very quickly. I started

390
00:21:06.160 --> 00:21:09.519
getting angry, I started getting agitated, My hands started to shake.

391
00:21:10.240 --> 00:21:13.079
People started noticing that I changed my personality. I started

392
00:21:13.079 --> 00:21:16.400
getting paranoid, started imagining things.

393
00:21:16.160 --> 00:21:18.119
That were not real again.

394
00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:20.519
I kept using I think did very much sleep with cocaine,

395
00:21:20.559 --> 00:21:24.000
kept me awake most of night, and Terror would give

396
00:21:24.119 --> 00:21:26.000
me cocaine in the morning, and I do to work

397
00:21:26.039 --> 00:21:26.920
on cocaine.

398
00:21:28.240 --> 00:21:30.759
I think I had started.

399
00:21:30.440 --> 00:21:34.319
Affecting me mop steps, started noticing things that were changes

400
00:21:34.759 --> 00:21:38.759
in me again. My personality totally changed from the person

401
00:21:38.799 --> 00:21:40.960
I had been before that was totally good from person

402
00:21:41.000 --> 00:21:42.960
on cokaine and non tracked okaine, and it was.

403
00:21:44.440 --> 00:21:45.200
I think that.

404
00:21:45.119 --> 00:21:48.279
We were both round pegs that couldn't fit into squick holes.

405
00:21:48.559 --> 00:21:49.160
In a sense.

406
00:21:50.039 --> 00:21:54.079
We both I think, were lost in a way, looking

407
00:21:54.160 --> 00:21:57.880
for something in our lives that was not attainable, and

408
00:21:58.079 --> 00:22:01.680
we fit together our kindred spirits and way ways. You know,

409
00:22:01.839 --> 00:22:05.000
she was intrigued to me. She was a very nice person,

410
00:22:05.119 --> 00:22:07.519
very good person. I got to know her very well.

411
00:22:10.359 --> 00:22:12.440
The more time I spent with Tara, the more it

412
00:22:12.480 --> 00:22:19.200
became a real relationship. Does your family know what you do?

413
00:22:19.559 --> 00:22:22.640
No stupid question, I guess.

414
00:22:23.400 --> 00:22:27.880
Hey, what do you know about real estate? Why there's

415
00:22:27.920 --> 00:22:31.559
this neighborhood. It's close to where I grew up, and

416
00:22:31.599 --> 00:22:35.880
it was always honestly like super shitty, like liquor stores

417
00:22:35.960 --> 00:22:38.359
and check cash and places and stuff like that. But

418
00:22:39.000 --> 00:22:42.240
some developers bought land near it and they're building those

419
00:22:42.279 --> 00:22:44.599
high end apartment complex and I know a couple of

420
00:22:44.599 --> 00:22:46.960
the old businesses that are open and more got sold

421
00:22:47.000 --> 00:22:49.319
and they're building restaurants there. There's a lot on that

422
00:22:49.319 --> 00:22:52.680
block that's for sale. In a couple of years, it's

423
00:22:52.680 --> 00:22:53.599
gonna be worth something.

424
00:22:54.440 --> 00:23:00.559
Do you know how much it's going for? But I

425
00:23:00.559 --> 00:23:03.880
could find out, what would you.

426
00:23:03.839 --> 00:23:04.279
Do with it?

427
00:23:04.599 --> 00:23:06.720
I don't know yet. Maybe just hold it and sell

428
00:23:06.759 --> 00:23:09.200
it in a few years, maybe build something on it,

429
00:23:09.640 --> 00:23:11.799
like what? Well you know what the profit margin is

430
00:23:11.799 --> 00:23:12.440
on donuts.

431
00:23:13.400 --> 00:23:14.680
I hadn't looked into it.

432
00:23:15.359 --> 00:23:18.240
I did raw material for a donut only costs like

433
00:23:18.279 --> 00:23:20.839
ten cents. You can sell that donut for a dollar,

434
00:23:21.519 --> 00:23:24.519
and if I can make it seem premium, maybe three dollars.

435
00:23:25.319 --> 00:23:26.559
You know what else has the high margin?

436
00:23:26.960 --> 00:23:27.559
Coffee?

437
00:23:28.200 --> 00:23:31.279
I knew you were smart. If it's in a neighborhood

438
00:23:31.319 --> 00:23:36.119
that feels fancy, maybe I make fake edible gold leaf

439
00:23:36.160 --> 00:23:38.200
and put it on the donuts, sell them for five

440
00:23:38.240 --> 00:23:40.279
dollars each. That's a business.

441
00:23:40.640 --> 00:23:41.960
You're serious about this.

442
00:23:42.559 --> 00:23:44.680
My work has an expiration.

443
00:23:44.279 --> 00:23:47.119
Date with you.

444
00:23:47.319 --> 00:23:50.359
In that donut shop, every father within a ten mile

445
00:23:50.480 --> 00:23:52.160
radius would be coming in every day.

446
00:23:53.000 --> 00:23:53.960
Would you be jealous?

447
00:23:54.400 --> 00:23:55.000
Desperately?

448
00:23:55.839 --> 00:23:57.319
I'll find out what the lot costs.

449
00:23:57.799 --> 00:23:58.119
Do that.

450
00:24:00.400 --> 00:24:02.279
I think at the point of our lives where we

451
00:24:02.279 --> 00:24:06.680
were aspiration type mode. I was desperate to get out

452
00:24:06.720 --> 00:24:11.000
of my cycle, my addas of shame and of depression.

453
00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:13.839
I was in a sinkhole at that point in my

454
00:24:13.880 --> 00:24:16.440
life and pretty much reached close to my rock bottom.

455
00:24:16.799 --> 00:24:20.079
And I think she was also homeless and was looking

456
00:24:20.119 --> 00:24:23.519
for something that was unreachable at that time in her.

457
00:24:23.480 --> 00:24:25.279
Life as well. Well.

458
00:24:25.319 --> 00:24:29.559
We both had re set week used in our earlier years,

459
00:24:29.720 --> 00:24:32.319
and I think we both felt chained from that, and

460
00:24:32.359 --> 00:24:35.039
we both did relate to each other because of that

461
00:24:35.720 --> 00:24:38.920
and had empathy with each other because we both had

462
00:24:39.000 --> 00:24:39.640
gone through.

463
00:24:39.480 --> 00:24:40.839
The same thing going off.

464
00:24:42.400 --> 00:24:44.559
It affects you with the rest of your life and

465
00:24:44.599 --> 00:24:46.359
you have to be able to reach point where you

466
00:24:46.400 --> 00:24:48.839
can work through it. And we hadn't worked through that,

467
00:24:49.200 --> 00:24:50.960
but we were able to talk about it with each other.

468
00:24:51.480 --> 00:24:54.079
It was something that I really couldn't talk about with people.

469
00:24:54.400 --> 00:24:56.759
I pretty much kept it dormant in the back of

470
00:24:56.799 --> 00:24:59.559
my mind. It was like a calibran back there. It

471
00:24:59.599 --> 00:25:01.480
was like a hot poker that was in my brain

472
00:25:01.559 --> 00:25:04.319
that I just couldn't get rid of. And I think

473
00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:06.720
it was a say for we both could relate to

474
00:25:06.759 --> 00:25:09.480
each other on the level that the other us could

475
00:25:09.480 --> 00:25:16.359
relate to anybody else. Yeah, even I deceived my closest friends.

476
00:25:17.079 --> 00:25:19.319
I had a really good friend named Mike, and he

477
00:25:19.480 --> 00:25:22.400
was closest to me than anybody else. He was not

478
00:25:22.440 --> 00:25:24.920
a doctor, and you know, I could talk about anything,

479
00:25:24.920 --> 00:25:27.119
but this is one subject that we couldn't talk about.

480
00:25:27.400 --> 00:25:30.079
I didn't talk with anybody about I hit it, and

481
00:25:30.839 --> 00:25:33.799
I wired to him about my addiction as well. I

482
00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:36.480
refused to tell me to even talk to him about

483
00:25:36.519 --> 00:25:40.240
my promise using drugs at that point. I'm not sure

484
00:25:40.240 --> 00:25:43.480
why I have people consimilators said why didn't you talk

485
00:25:43.519 --> 00:25:44.079
to me about this?

486
00:25:44.359 --> 00:25:45.960
And I just couldn't.

487
00:25:46.240 --> 00:25:47.519
I don't know if it was because I couldn't have

488
00:25:47.559 --> 00:25:49.839
meit my weakness is to somebody else, or could have

489
00:25:49.960 --> 00:25:53.240
bit my shame, my guilt and I felt at that

490
00:25:53.319 --> 00:25:54.240
point to anybody.

491
00:25:55.039 --> 00:25:57.079
But I lived in double life.

492
00:25:57.640 --> 00:26:00.359
My whole career was like at the side, covering over

493
00:26:00.720 --> 00:26:03.519
all of her and shame and jolt that I felt

494
00:26:04.559 --> 00:26:08.039
from my earliest years and even into my adulthood.

495
00:26:08.200 --> 00:26:12.160
I terror that shame and jilt and feeling dirty and unworthy,

496
00:26:12.279 --> 00:26:13.960
And I.

497
00:26:13.880 --> 00:26:19.079
Was always looking for love and didn't want to disappoint anybody,

498
00:26:19.160 --> 00:26:24.319
And with Tara, I didn't have those feelings fear of talking.

499
00:26:24.880 --> 00:26:26.519
I felt I could talk to her about it pretty

500
00:26:26.559 --> 00:26:30.000
much anything, and I didn't have that relationship with anybody else.

501
00:26:31.119 --> 00:26:34.119
Steve's relationship with Tara would conclude in a way he

502
00:26:34.119 --> 00:26:35.519
could never have anticipated.

503
00:26:35.680 --> 00:26:39.680
That morning I went to work, I left terror actually

504
00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:41.400
in very good spirits.

505
00:26:42.440 --> 00:26:45.440
After a family disagreement, Tara had been asked to leave

506
00:26:45.480 --> 00:26:48.240
her sister's home in Houston. She called me and said

507
00:26:48.240 --> 00:26:50.000
she had nowhere to go and beg to stay at

508
00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:53.160
my house temporarily. I liked the fact that it made

509
00:26:53.160 --> 00:26:55.759
it easier for us to use drugs together. She usually

510
00:26:55.799 --> 00:26:57.480
met with her dealer during the day while I was

511
00:26:57.519 --> 00:26:59.519
at work, and she had fresh lines ready for me

512
00:26:59.559 --> 00:27:02.240
as soon as I arrived home. Things were no different

513
00:27:02.240 --> 00:27:04.240
from the usual. When I left for work at about

514
00:27:04.240 --> 00:27:06.799
seven o'clock on that particular Friday morning.

515
00:27:06.799 --> 00:27:11.319
Morning, Oh hello, you're a medicine doctor.

516
00:27:11.920 --> 00:27:14.000
As she often did, Tara had brought me a line

517
00:27:14.000 --> 00:27:16.000
of cocaine on a small plate. While I was still

518
00:27:16.079 --> 00:27:27.720
lying in bed. She accompanied me to the front door.

519
00:27:27.839 --> 00:27:31.160
She seemed happy and cheerful that morning, flashing that contagious,

520
00:27:31.240 --> 00:27:35.279
childlike smile that belied the realities of her lifestyle. What's

521
00:27:35.319 --> 00:27:36.319
on tap for you today?

522
00:27:37.079 --> 00:27:39.440
I have to pick up my dry cleaning. I'm going

523
00:27:39.519 --> 00:27:41.039
to spend by that lot and take down the number

524
00:27:41.079 --> 00:27:43.400
on the side and call it, and then I'm gonna

525
00:27:43.480 --> 00:27:45.480
take the best laziest nap ever.

526
00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:48.759
Sounds great. That didn't seem at all odd to me.

527
00:27:48.960 --> 00:27:51.319
I knew that she hadn't slept in several days due

528
00:27:51.319 --> 00:27:53.960
to her heavy use of stimulants. She kissed me on

529
00:27:54.000 --> 00:28:01.279
the cheek. I left drived home from work at about

530
00:28:01.279 --> 00:28:04.559
five o'clock in the afternoon, which was unusually early for me.

531
00:28:05.119 --> 00:28:08.079
Much to my surprise, my son's pickup truck was parked

532
00:28:08.119 --> 00:28:10.799
in the driveway. He was a student at the University

533
00:28:10.799 --> 00:28:13.000
of Houston at the time, and he frequently came to

534
00:28:13.079 --> 00:28:16.000
visit me. Normally, his pickup truck was a welcome sight,

535
00:28:16.480 --> 00:28:18.559
but now a flash of panic shot through me as

536
00:28:18.599 --> 00:28:20.559
I realized that he might have discovered that a young

537
00:28:20.599 --> 00:28:24.119
woman was staying with his father. Definitely not a detail

538
00:28:24.160 --> 00:28:27.160
I wanted my children to know. Of course, there was

539
00:28:27.200 --> 00:28:29.640
no way that my son would know she was a prostitute.

540
00:28:29.960 --> 00:28:33.319
I was worrying for nothing in being paranoid. Cocaine always

541
00:28:33.319 --> 00:28:36.319
had that effect on me. Still, I was nervous and

542
00:28:36.400 --> 00:28:38.640
uncomfortable as I opened the front gate and unlocked the

543
00:28:38.640 --> 00:28:44.920
front door, stealing myself for potential embarrassment. I entered the

544
00:28:44.960 --> 00:28:47.720
house expecting to find that my son had already discovered

545
00:28:47.799 --> 00:28:51.319
Terra's presence. To my momentary relief, the bedroom door was

546
00:28:51.319 --> 00:28:53.839
closed and the house was silent except for the television

547
00:28:53.839 --> 00:28:56.200
in the living room. My son was watching the movie

548
00:28:56.240 --> 00:28:58.319
and had no idea that he wasn't alone in the house.

549
00:28:58.960 --> 00:29:02.359
As usual, he turned TV volume up pretty high. How

550
00:29:02.400 --> 00:29:05.039
could anyone sleep through all that noise, I wondered, though

551
00:29:05.079 --> 00:29:08.720
I was grateful that Tara apparently had. I directed a

552
00:29:08.720 --> 00:29:11.400
perfunctory hello, how are you at my son, and then

553
00:29:11.480 --> 00:29:13.839
walked into the bedroom with the intention of telling Tara

554
00:29:13.920 --> 00:29:16.160
to stay in hiding or at least be discreet if

555
00:29:16.160 --> 00:29:19.920
she met my son. The room was dimly lit and

556
00:29:19.920 --> 00:29:22.200
the blinds were closed, and all I could make out

557
00:29:22.240 --> 00:29:26.440
was a shadowy figure lying face down in my bed. Good,

558
00:29:26.559 --> 00:29:29.759
she's still asleep. I thought this was a close call.

559
00:29:30.200 --> 00:29:33.079
I tiptoed to the bed, pulled the blanket down, and whispered,

560
00:29:33.519 --> 00:29:38.440
wake up, bunny. Nothing. I repeated the same words, a

561
00:29:38.480 --> 00:29:44.759
little louder, wake up honey. Still no response. I tried

562
00:29:44.759 --> 00:29:47.839
to shake Tara awake, but she didn't respond or move

563
00:29:47.880 --> 00:29:51.079
at all in spite of my jostling. Fears suddenly crept

564
00:29:51.119 --> 00:29:54.039
over me as I realized that something was terribly amiss.

565
00:29:54.839 --> 00:29:57.759
As I turned Tara over with great difficulty, in one

566
00:29:57.759 --> 00:30:01.079
of the most terrifying and sickening moment of my life,

567
00:30:01.519 --> 00:30:05.240
I realized that she was not breathing. Frantic I felt

568
00:30:05.240 --> 00:30:08.559
for her carrotid pulse, but couldn't find one. Meanwhile, Tara's

569
00:30:08.640 --> 00:30:13.000
dark eyes stared unblinkingly into space. Shock and horror overtook

570
00:30:13.039 --> 00:30:14.799
me as I realized that a woman to whom I

571
00:30:14.839 --> 00:30:17.599
had just said goodbye a few hours earlier was lying

572
00:30:17.680 --> 00:30:21.160
dead in my bed. As though stung, I jumped backward

573
00:30:21.200 --> 00:30:23.279
from the horrible vision that was before my eyes and

574
00:30:23.319 --> 00:30:26.960
stared back at Tara's lifeless body in disbelief. Tara had

575
00:30:27.000 --> 00:30:30.160
already turned a purplish hue in the dependent areas of

576
00:30:30.200 --> 00:30:33.000
her body. Due to the stasis of blood flow. Her

577
00:30:33.000 --> 00:30:36.519
skin was cold and modeled my experiences as a doctor.

578
00:30:36.599 --> 00:30:38.519
Told me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it

579
00:30:38.559 --> 00:30:41.160
was too late to resuscitate her and that CPR would

580
00:30:41.160 --> 00:30:44.359
have been useless. The presence of rigor mortis forced Tara

581
00:30:44.400 --> 00:30:47.440
to hold her arms outstretched in a position of supplication,

582
00:30:47.960 --> 00:30:50.079
as if she was reaching towards something that only she

583
00:30:50.160 --> 00:30:53.880
could see. Her eyes were glazed over and stared straight

584
00:30:53.920 --> 00:30:56.880
at me with a look of sadness, identifiable even through

585
00:30:56.920 --> 00:31:02.880
her death mask. God, this can't be real. I am dreaming.

586
00:31:03.160 --> 00:31:08.000
Please someone wake me up. Terror looked grotesque, like a

587
00:31:08.079 --> 00:31:11.359
disfigured mannikuin, stuffed in the closet and hidden from view

588
00:31:11.400 --> 00:31:14.000
because it appeared too fake for a store's display window,

589
00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:17.440
And yet as I paced frantically around the room, it

590
00:31:17.480 --> 00:31:20.599
seemed that her stare followed me everywhere. The whole scene

591
00:31:20.680 --> 00:31:23.079
was surreal. I knew that I would wake up if

592
00:31:23.119 --> 00:31:25.480
I screamed loud enough, and that this death scene would

593
00:31:25.480 --> 00:31:28.480
turn out to be a terrible nightmare. When I realized,

594
00:31:28.519 --> 00:31:31.319
with an overwhelming feeling of helplessness, that the current moment

595
00:31:31.440 --> 00:31:35.119
was indeed reality, I numbly looked at the scene. Around

596
00:31:35.160 --> 00:31:39.079
the deathbed. There was a bottle of rum on the nightstand,

597
00:31:39.559 --> 00:31:42.519
and Terror's purse was on the floor, surrounded by its contents.

598
00:31:43.279 --> 00:31:46.039
They included I saw as I flicked on a lamp

599
00:31:46.359 --> 00:31:49.839
about a half dozen open pill bottles and an empty

600
00:31:49.839 --> 00:31:52.920
bottle of cough medicine that I myself had prescribed for

601
00:31:52.960 --> 00:31:55.680
her the day before. I picked up the bottles and

602
00:31:55.720 --> 00:31:59.400
read the names and the medications pain pills, sedatives and

603
00:31:59.480 --> 00:32:03.519
anti and a bottle of sleeping pills. Tara must have

604
00:32:03.559 --> 00:32:05.920
taken them to counteract the effects of the cocaine that

605
00:32:06.000 --> 00:32:09.000
she had consumed the night before. I'd seen her inhale

606
00:32:09.039 --> 00:32:11.880
an entire eight ball, and while I was asleep, she

607
00:32:11.960 --> 00:32:15.640
was likely to have consumed more. I wondered how much

608
00:32:15.680 --> 00:32:18.160
she could have taken last night while I slept, and today,

609
00:32:18.160 --> 00:32:20.720
while I was at work, I read the names of

610
00:32:20.759 --> 00:32:23.279
three different doctors on the prescription labels, and I was

611
00:32:23.319 --> 00:32:25.559
shocked to see that she had been getting these medications

612
00:32:25.640 --> 00:32:29.680
from so many doctors besides myself. I didn't recognize their

613
00:32:29.759 --> 00:32:34.440
names until that moment. I had been unaware that she

614
00:32:34.559 --> 00:32:37.680
was seeing other physicians and that she was receiving prescriptions

615
00:32:37.680 --> 00:32:41.279
from them as well as from me. Tara loved to

616
00:32:41.319 --> 00:32:44.799
wear my T shirts. Today I saw she had decided

617
00:32:44.799 --> 00:32:47.920
to wear her favorite one. She loved so much that

618
00:32:48.000 --> 00:32:52.920
I'd given it to her to keep. Ironically, horribly, it

619
00:32:53.039 --> 00:32:57.440
said in big bold letters, trust me, I'm a doctor.

620
00:32:58.880 --> 00:33:02.000
At that moment, I fell apart, and my son walked

621
00:33:02.000 --> 00:33:04.119
into the bedroom and saw me on my knees sobbing

622
00:33:04.160 --> 00:33:07.359
next to Terra's body. His face turned to ashen as

623
00:33:07.359 --> 00:33:11.440
he realized what had happened. If not why, it is

624
00:33:11.480 --> 00:33:13.680
a scene that will haunt me for the rest of

625
00:33:13.720 --> 00:33:15.759
my life.

626
00:33:20.119 --> 00:33:23.279
I started crying because here's a woman in my bed

627
00:33:23.359 --> 00:33:26.279
who I knew very well. But I started to care

628
00:33:26.319 --> 00:33:29.519
about who is lying dead in my bed. After I

629
00:33:29.599 --> 00:33:31.839
found where I called nine one one the angel was

630
00:33:31.920 --> 00:33:35.880
came the police thanks in after and started doing this

631
00:33:35.920 --> 00:33:39.160
so much at my house while the neighbors were out

632
00:33:39.200 --> 00:33:42.759
in the street watching, most going on the police cars.

633
00:33:42.759 --> 00:33:47.480
They took Terror's body out of the house. And the

634
00:33:47.559 --> 00:33:50.000
fear is what would my son think about me? What

635
00:33:50.079 --> 00:33:52.440
after effects would this have on my son? I was

636
00:33:52.480 --> 00:33:56.200
afraid for him, and a police question my son and

637
00:33:56.279 --> 00:33:58.559
be about her death, and but led up to it,

638
00:33:58.640 --> 00:34:02.640
and I was really concerned that they were to buy

639
00:34:02.759 --> 00:34:07.000
cotain in my house and arrests Neath breeze and cocaine,

640
00:34:07.640 --> 00:34:09.880
Tara and I would.

641
00:34:09.719 --> 00:34:12.320
Use the cocaine and put him to safe in our glauzard.

642
00:34:13.440 --> 00:34:15.639
The police came as search, there were no piece of

643
00:34:15.719 --> 00:34:18.760
cocaine long around. Terror must have cleaned that up before

644
00:34:19.039 --> 00:34:22.880
she went to bed. The police never actually found a cocaine.

645
00:34:22.880 --> 00:34:26.320
I was seen my safe. It was later determined that

646
00:34:26.320 --> 00:34:29.400
she drive in that Snell overdose, but I had actually

647
00:34:29.440 --> 00:34:32.559
prescribed the hydro code on that she'd used to help

648
00:34:32.639 --> 00:34:33.320
till herself.

649
00:34:33.880 --> 00:34:35.920
Whether she did, I don't believe she did it intentionally.

650
00:34:36.039 --> 00:34:39.079
I believe that this was accent because I had know

651
00:34:39.519 --> 00:34:41.800
at all any feeling from her that she would her

652
00:34:41.800 --> 00:34:44.360
to die. If anything, she was looking forward to a

653
00:34:44.400 --> 00:34:46.639
different like and to get any more I would like

654
00:34:46.719 --> 00:34:51.360
than what she dought. I started to get more and

655
00:34:51.400 --> 00:34:56.360
more agitated and angry during my cases. For example, if

656
00:34:56.440 --> 00:34:59.719
something didn't go right, I would really get angry and

657
00:35:00.239 --> 00:35:02.519
throw my fista to the wall, and that's something I've

658
00:35:02.559 --> 00:35:06.280
never used to do before. There was a time when

659
00:35:06.320 --> 00:35:08.239
I was talking to a family where I actually stumping

660
00:35:08.320 --> 00:35:11.440
from the blackout. I was in the middle of discussing

661
00:35:11.440 --> 00:35:14.360
a case I just finished, sitting in front of the family.

662
00:35:14.440 --> 00:35:17.119
My nurse pectation there's with me in the middle of

663
00:35:17.119 --> 00:35:21.159
a sentence. I just stopped talking, and I've in a

664
00:35:21.199 --> 00:35:25.920
state of basically totally being out of it and locked out.

665
00:35:26.840 --> 00:35:27.599
I was sitting there.

666
00:35:27.800 --> 00:35:29.639
If I didn't fall before, I was just sitting there

667
00:35:30.079 --> 00:35:33.440
staring straight ahead, and my nurse pectation or set to

668
00:35:33.440 --> 00:35:35.840
me looked forward, what's going to please wake up?

669
00:35:35.880 --> 00:35:36.480
Please wake up?

670
00:35:36.519 --> 00:35:38.880
And then I woke up and see the family staring

671
00:35:38.920 --> 00:35:42.519
at me and disbelieve what histonomor because doctor that we

672
00:35:42.719 --> 00:35:44.559
just put our trust in you to take care of

673
00:35:44.559 --> 00:35:47.519
our family member. And here we were talking to us

674
00:35:47.519 --> 00:35:50.800
and suddenly, you know, you stopped talking and they're in

675
00:35:51.039 --> 00:35:54.400
a state out of staring at us and not saying anything.

676
00:35:55.159 --> 00:35:57.360
So I could tell at that point in time things

677
00:35:57.360 --> 00:35:59.599
were started to fall apart in my life.

678
00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:02.800
Steve's employees would ultimately stage an intervention.

679
00:36:04.599 --> 00:36:07.599
They came into my room and told me that they

680
00:36:07.679 --> 00:36:10.239
knew it was going on and if I didn't quit

681
00:36:10.519 --> 00:36:12.320
using drugs and go to rehab, that they were all

682
00:36:12.360 --> 00:36:15.440
going to resign. One of them actually came to me

683
00:36:15.480 --> 00:36:16.159
and said that.

684
00:36:16.079 --> 00:36:17.599
She was going to report me to then a couple

685
00:36:17.800 --> 00:36:18.639
if I didn't twitter.

686
00:36:19.119 --> 00:36:20.760
That was one of the things that led to my

687
00:36:21.360 --> 00:36:25.639
going to Talbot Recovery Center the summer two thousand and six.

688
00:36:26.320 --> 00:36:27.719
They knew what was going on, and.

689
00:36:27.679 --> 00:36:29.639
One of them told me something on they were for jab,

690
00:36:29.679 --> 00:36:30.840
which was doctor Barbara.

691
00:36:30.840 --> 00:36:33.679
I'm never in their current state for my family men

692
00:36:33.719 --> 00:36:34.079
putting you.

693
00:36:35.079 --> 00:36:38.800
That purred me tremendously because to hear that from somebody

694
00:36:38.800 --> 00:36:41.880
who I worked with was very tough to you, and

695
00:36:42.039 --> 00:36:45.440
the reality started hitting home that this was really something

696
00:36:45.440 --> 00:36:48.480
I needed to address. So I have heartedly addressed it

697
00:36:48.519 --> 00:36:50.440
at that point, and I think part of that was

698
00:36:50.519 --> 00:36:53.920
just to help them basically feel that I was going

699
00:36:54.000 --> 00:36:56.480
to do the right thing and to you know, basically

700
00:36:56.559 --> 00:36:59.639
keep them working with me. So I decided to go

701
00:36:59.679 --> 00:37:06.280
to the Albert Cuvery Center after that, which is a

702
00:37:06.320 --> 00:37:08.840
place where a love doctors went to. I really did

703
00:37:08.840 --> 00:37:11.840
it secretively. I did anybody to know about it. Nobody

704
00:37:11.920 --> 00:37:14.079
other mocust at knew what was happening. So I took

705
00:37:14.119 --> 00:37:17.280
the leave of absence. It was really again to pass

706
00:37:17.360 --> 00:37:20.400
by them more than to really seriously try to recover.

707
00:37:21.719 --> 00:37:22.960
When I was in Talbot.

708
00:37:23.039 --> 00:37:26.519
I have heartily worked the program, I went through the motions,

709
00:37:27.199 --> 00:37:29.559
I was never really serious about it. I got homesick,

710
00:37:29.960 --> 00:37:33.079
decided after two weeks I was going to leave, went back,

711
00:37:33.599 --> 00:37:36.159
thank you well again, I can control this situation.

712
00:37:36.639 --> 00:37:38.039
And I was totally wrong.

713
00:37:39.079 --> 00:37:40.880
I was not ready at that point in time to

714
00:37:40.920 --> 00:37:42.280
really address my issues.

715
00:37:42.280 --> 00:37:45.920
I don't think I've hit my bottom. Yep. The bottom

716
00:37:46.440 --> 00:37:48.000
was losing my license.

717
00:37:50.599 --> 00:37:54.320
Tara's death led directly to Steve losing his medical license.

718
00:38:00.800 --> 00:38:05.599
Chi's family found out about the situation regarding my Friday

719
00:38:05.800 --> 00:38:10.400
prescription for the Hodge Code and for her and reported

720
00:38:10.440 --> 00:38:12.159
me to the medical Board.

721
00:38:12.880 --> 00:38:14.880
The medical Board met early in.

722
00:38:14.800 --> 00:38:18.360
Two thousand and seven and they descended my medical license

723
00:38:19.039 --> 00:38:22.039
and I lost everything in a heartbeat. Everything that I

724
00:38:22.119 --> 00:38:25.880
worked hard for many years to attain, both financially and professionally,

725
00:38:25.960 --> 00:38:29.360
were totally done. And it took losing my license to

726
00:38:29.679 --> 00:38:32.360
really make me realize that something had to change. That

727
00:38:32.400 --> 00:38:35.039
was my bottom, losing pretty much everything that I'd had.

728
00:38:35.519 --> 00:38:43.039
I worked really hard for it. After I lost my license,

729
00:38:43.119 --> 00:38:45.199
I went to the coovery center.

730
00:38:45.840 --> 00:38:47.119
I realized that I.

731
00:38:47.119 --> 00:38:50.119
Needed to address the issues that I'd had dealt with

732
00:38:50.199 --> 00:38:54.039
for many years, but I camouflage behind my career and

733
00:38:54.079 --> 00:38:58.400
those issues primarily to my depression and burn out. I

734
00:38:58.440 --> 00:39:01.880
went to the clinic called Manager Clinic, which is a

735
00:39:01.960 --> 00:39:06.639
dual diagnosis facility, and Meniger Clinic forced me to kill

736
00:39:06.679 --> 00:39:09.920
the onion as they described it, and fill back my ego,

737
00:39:10.079 --> 00:39:13.760
peelback that my defense mechanisms, and made me realize that

738
00:39:14.280 --> 00:39:17.280
what was really behind all this situation to begin with,

739
00:39:17.320 --> 00:39:19.800
and really take the time for myself to really address

740
00:39:19.880 --> 00:39:25.360
my issues that have been pestering for many years. At

741
00:39:25.400 --> 00:39:28.119
the Recovery Center, they give you a lot of tools

742
00:39:28.159 --> 00:39:30.639
to try to work with to try to keep you sober,

743
00:39:30.639 --> 00:39:34.039
and the easiest thing is to be sober. The hardest

744
00:39:34.039 --> 00:39:38.320
things to maintain a sober You have to realize what

745
00:39:38.480 --> 00:39:41.159
your triggers are, and one of the triggers for me

746
00:39:41.679 --> 00:39:47.039
was Tara's youthfulness or exuberance and sexuality.

747
00:39:48.079 --> 00:39:50.079
I met a young woman on the plane.

748
00:39:49.760 --> 00:39:52.400
After I left the Recovery Center who is almost identical

749
00:39:52.440 --> 00:39:56.039
to her, you know, had the same personality as Tara.

750
00:39:56.519 --> 00:39:59.559
Was actually working at dance club I suppose the tripper

751
00:39:59.559 --> 00:40:01.559
on that we did and actually get into that, but

752
00:40:01.679 --> 00:40:05.320
she was an exotic dancer I believe gave me her.

753
00:40:05.280 --> 00:40:07.039
Phone number as we left the plane.

754
00:40:07.119 --> 00:40:09.960
She put her hand on my leg, was leaning against

755
00:40:10.039 --> 00:40:12.599
me during the flight, and was very much making it

756
00:40:12.719 --> 00:40:13.840
very clear that she wanted.

757
00:40:13.679 --> 00:40:15.079
To have something more.

758
00:40:15.159 --> 00:40:18.360
After we left the plane, she gave me her phone number,

759
00:40:18.400 --> 00:40:20.480
and at first, I mean I was very interested in

760
00:40:20.719 --> 00:40:22.800
responding positively to what she.

761
00:40:22.880 --> 00:40:24.880
Was doing through overtures.

762
00:40:25.320 --> 00:40:27.480
I've run up throwing the phone number away because I

763
00:40:27.519 --> 00:40:30.559
didn't want to get back into the same situation I

764
00:40:30.639 --> 00:40:32.679
was in before, because I know what would have happened

765
00:40:32.679 --> 00:40:34.840
if I had called her, Things would have gone down

766
00:40:34.880 --> 00:40:38.039
the same path that they were before, and I just

767
00:40:38.079 --> 00:40:41.159
didn't want to rest that possibility. I'd work too hard

768
00:40:41.360 --> 00:40:45.639
over too many months to try to determine what was

769
00:40:45.679 --> 00:40:46.519
behind all of this.

770
00:40:47.280 --> 00:40:49.960
I just didn't want to miss my sobriety. I was

771
00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:52.360
still very fragile at that point in time. My sopridy

772
00:40:52.400 --> 00:40:55.079
was very fragile. I'm very glad that I did not

773
00:40:55.239 --> 00:40:56.079
follow up to do with that.

774
00:40:59.199 --> 00:41:02.880
My whole career was a jack one hide type of career.

775
00:41:03.840 --> 00:41:06.800
Mel was doctor Jekyl, and there was a mister hide

776
00:41:06.800 --> 00:41:10.480
that I was hiding the whole time. My career was

777
00:41:10.599 --> 00:41:14.760
the sad for a very much failed personal life, an

778
00:41:14.800 --> 00:41:19.400
unhappy personal life. I went through multiple divorces and had

779
00:41:19.400 --> 00:41:21.239
a very unhappy personal life that.

780
00:41:21.360 --> 00:41:22.079
Side of work.

781
00:41:22.480 --> 00:41:24.559
I always thought I'd very good father to my children,

782
00:41:24.960 --> 00:41:25.960
really bad husband.

783
00:41:26.519 --> 00:41:27.559
Work was my life.

784
00:41:28.000 --> 00:41:30.079
I think that I threw a lot away at that

785
00:41:30.119 --> 00:41:33.599
point in time. I was a split personality. While I

786
00:41:33.639 --> 00:41:36.239
was working, I was very I guess a successful failure,

787
00:41:36.320 --> 00:41:37.000
you might call it.

788
00:41:37.039 --> 00:41:38.679
I was successful on the exerted this.

789
00:41:38.679 --> 00:41:42.119
SPoD failure in my personal life, and very unhappy in

790
00:41:42.119 --> 00:41:46.320
my personal life. I had work really hard to get

791
00:41:46.320 --> 00:41:49.199
my license back. It took me about eight years to

792
00:41:49.239 --> 00:41:51.840
get my license back. The Medical Board had me drug

793
00:41:51.880 --> 00:41:54.559
tests for men eight years, and I had to pass.

794
00:41:54.840 --> 00:41:57.159
I didn't fail a drug test for eight years. There

795
00:41:57.159 --> 00:41:59.480
didn't miss drug tests, and they made me go through

796
00:41:59.519 --> 00:42:01.559
a lot on through a lot of hoops to get

797
00:42:01.599 --> 00:42:02.400
back to work.

798
00:42:04.320 --> 00:42:07.000
I feel that I'm at a place right now my

799
00:42:07.079 --> 00:42:10.159
life that I'm very thankful for. I feel gratitude every

800
00:42:10.280 --> 00:42:13.039
day for where I'm at. I feel I'm where God

801
00:42:13.079 --> 00:42:15.840
wants me to be right now. I feel like I'm

802
00:42:15.840 --> 00:42:19.360
helping people and where I'm meant to be. Married to

803
00:42:19.360 --> 00:42:23.159
a wonderful woman. I feel that I can be living

804
00:42:23.159 --> 00:42:26.480
a better life right now. People have come to me

805
00:42:26.519 --> 00:42:28.960
and said, gee, do't where you threw the life away?

806
00:42:29.159 --> 00:42:31.280
And I tell them, look about life that I have.

807
00:42:31.960 --> 00:42:34.559
I had a miserable life at that point in my career,

808
00:42:34.719 --> 00:42:36.599
and my life was extremely unhappy.

809
00:42:36.679 --> 00:42:39.440
So I don't feel like I'm doing my life a

810
00:42:39.480 --> 00:42:40.559
way through my couder way.

811
00:42:40.599 --> 00:42:43.639
I feel like I threw away a lot of guilt, shame,

812
00:42:43.800 --> 00:42:48.119
and unhappiness and was able to create something much better.

813
00:42:56.119 --> 00:42:58.639
This podcast is dedicated to the memory of my son,

814
00:42:58.760 --> 00:42:59.920
Matthew Brian Farber.

815
00:43:03.559 --> 00:43:06.480
The National Mental Health Hotline is available twenty four to

816
00:43:06.559 --> 00:43:09.159
seven just by dialing nine to eight eight from your phone,

817
00:43:09.639 --> 00:43:12.400
and for healthcare workers suffering from burnout or just in

818
00:43:12.480 --> 00:43:15.760
need of mental health support, the Lorna Breen Heroes Foundation

819
00:43:16.119 --> 00:43:18.840
is a great resource. More information and links are in

820
00:43:18.840 --> 00:43:23.079
the show Notes. Allegedly is a production of Voyage Media.

821
00:43:23.599 --> 00:43:27.079
The series is produced by Natmandell, Robert Midas, and Dan Benamore.

822
00:43:27.599 --> 00:43:30.559
This episode, as Sick As Our Secrets, is based on

823
00:43:30.599 --> 00:43:33.599
Steve's book of the same name, which is available on Amazon.

824
00:43:33.840 --> 00:43:36.880
A link is in the show Notes. Executive produced by

825
00:43:36.880 --> 00:43:40.559
doctor Steve Farber, directed and story produced by Alyssa Goodman.

826
00:43:41.039 --> 00:43:44.679
Written and directed by Dan Benamore, edited, sound designed, and

827
00:43:44.719 --> 00:43:49.079
mixed by James Scully. Original music by Dorles Gonzales. Starring

828
00:43:49.159 --> 00:43:53.159
Jonathan McGear as Steve and Veronica Warner as Tara. If

829
00:43:53.199 --> 00:43:55.360
you're enjoying the show, please give us a five star

830
00:43:55.400 --> 00:43:58.679
review on Apple Podcasts or anywhere you're listening, and subscribe

831
00:43:58.679 --> 00:43:59.960
now for future episodes.